Sadness

I've been kind of avoiding blogging for the last week. I usually like to write about all the wonderful things going on in our lives, and I'm so grateful that it is never hard to think and write about all the things that I'm thankful for in my life. This last week has been one of the hardest of our lives though. We have experienced loss in a way that we hoped we would never have to. Earlier in the month of September I found out I was pregnant. We were so thrilled, and we immediately started planning for the arrival of our little one in May. We were talking about names, letting Camden kiss the baby in Mama's belly, discussing ways to get Camden sleeping through the night and weaned by then, figuring out which rooms each baby would sleep in and what new baby purchases we would need to make. I'm not going to lie, we were a little nervous...Camden and his little brother or sister would have been about 21.5 months apart, but we knew we could do it and we knew that God would give us the strength and energy needed to be good parents. We were so excited about having the baby in May, because Scott would be home with no responsibilities for June, July and August, giving us plenty of time to get used to being a family of four before the school year started up again.

Unfortunately, on Tuesday September 22, I miscarried. It was one of the hardest days of my life...not knowing what was going on with my body, fearing that I might lose the baby, but hoping for the best, all while putting on a happy face to tutor my boys in Learning Skills and take care of Camden. I had just set up my first appointment with the midwives that very morning, and had to call back later in the day and explain what was happening. I've never felt so many different emotions before in my life. I was angry with my body, but also knew I had to trust that my body was doing the right thing. I was so sad, but knew that there are people who go through an entire pregnancy and lose a baby at birth who must feel even deeper sadness. I was (and still am) depressed, exhausted, helpless and emotionally drained, but know that God is in complete control of our lives. He gave us the gift of this child for a short time, and I feel honored that I got to harbor this little life, even though it was for such a brief period.

I have never felt such a deep love for Camden has I have this past week. I just want to continually smother him with hugs and kisses. I am so incredibly thankful that we have a beautiful, healthy child who brings us such unspeakable joy on a daily basis. He truly is the light of our lives and I know that he will make a great big brother some day.

I also feel closer and more loved by Scott with every passing day. He is struggling through his own grief, yet he has been so compassionate, loving and caring over the last week. He loved this unborn child as much as I did, and to know that we will never hear him/her laugh, hold him/her close or tell him/her how much we love him breaks both of our hearts.

We know that God is grieving with us and we are so thankful for his faithfulness in our lives. There are so many verses that have comforted us, but this one is on my mind tonight..."My soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:20-23

It's going to take a while to get back on track. People are still asking if I'm feeling better from being "sick" since I took a couple days off last week. Each time, I think...should I tell them the truth or not? Camden is still obsessed with pulling my shirt up and kissing my belly - a reminder of us teaching him about the baby in there. I just received a packet in the mail from my midwifery practice with all sorts of pregnancy information that had been sent prior to my miscarriage. My 8 week appointment has a dark line through it on the calender that I have to look at every day in October. But, I'm starting to feel better and I know God's plan is greater than I can even imagine. This little life was very loved for the five and a half weeks of his/her existence and we will always remember this time in our lives.

Thanks for listening.