Love Grows

A friend of mine is expecting her second child in just a few short weeks and she asked some of her close friends how they prepared themselves for #2.  The second pregnancy is often so different than the first.  You're often too busy chasing around #1 to notice every little movement or kick of the little one inside of you and without the need to buy all new baby items and a whole new wardrobe (and often without another baby shower to shower you with gifts) it sometimes seems like the birth of this second child can just sneak right up on you.  After hearing her air a few of her concerns and thoughts earlier today, I've been thinking all day about my experience carrying and birthing Micah...and what an emotional ride it was.

I remember feeling so worried that I couldn't possibly love another human being as much as I loved Camden.  The usual response that I heard when I mentioned this fear was, "Your love doesn't have to be divided between the two of them...Your love multiplies and you suddenly have more love to give."  I have to say, that this statement is SO true at this point.  I love both my boys more than words can even describe.  I would give my life for them at any moment if it meant they could live their life to the fullest and find happiness.  It almost hurts inside when I think of the love I have for both Camden and Micah.  But this didn't just magically take place the split second that I pulled Micah up onto my chest in that hospital room.  There were a lot of emotions that brought me to this place and I thought I would share them with others who might be expecting a second child and don't know what to expect!

Throughout my pregnancy, and particularly in my third trimester, I felt like I was cheating on Camden.  How could I possibly love him as much if I was bringing another child into this world?  Would I be able to give him the attention that he needed?  Would I still be able to rock him to sleep at night as I had every other night of his short little life?  Would he know that I loved him even when I was always holding his new little brother?  I would often rock him to sleep during those last few weeks and would feel a sense of loss.  My eyes would brim with tears as I felt his little body drift off to sleep and I wondered if he would still be my little baby when I had another little baby to love as well.  The idea of this second little being entering the world felt a little strange.  Who was this little guy that would turn our world upside down?  We knew we wanted to have another baby, and we wanted them to be about two years apart, so he wasn't a surprise...he was (and IS) a blessing!  But it still felt strange to me.

And then it happened.  My little Micah entered the world.  He was perfect.  Precious in every way.  I literally pulled him out of my body and onto my chest whispering "I love you. I love you. I love you" over and over again.  I wanted him to know he was wanted. I wanted him to know he was loved.  And I wanted to reassure myself that I could love another being as much as I loved my first.

Introducing Camden to Micah in that hospital room was a beautiful moment.  I saw my two boys together for the first time.  Two brothers that would hopefully, one day, consider the other his best friend.  Two brothers that would laugh together.  Cry together.  Beat each other up, but also stand up for the other when he needed someone to.  I'm already seeing this friendship develop.  Camden was the first person to ever make Micah laugh.  He loves him so much and I know Micah will idolize Camden as he continues to get older.

Over the next week or two, my emotions shifted even more.  I don't know if this is normal, if it was the hormones or something else, but I suddenly became very protective of Micah.  He was my baby.  He was helpless and tiny and so new to this big world.  I was fiercely in love with him - more than I could have imagined during my pregnancy.  In some ways I started to feel distant from Camden.  He was trying my patience.  Things that didn't used to bother me were bothering me.  I didn't know how to divide myself between the two of them, when one seemed to need me so much more than the other.  I gave Micah to Scott and read books with Camden.  I put him to bed when I could and we shared those quiet moments together.  But something had changed.  My love had multiplied like everyone told me it would and he suddenly wasn't my only love.  (I do love Scott too...don't get me wrong!   I'm just focusing on my boys here!  Love you, Hubby!)  I was afraid to admit these feelings to anyone.  I didn't want to feel any sort of animosity or frustration towards my firstborn.  But when I shared these feelings with my sister she reassured me that it's totally normal.  In fact, many, many, many new mothers experience that distancing from their firstborn - and everything would find it's balance in the end.  She was SO right.

But it took some time.  And that's what I wanted to share with my friend (you know who you are).  It's OK to feel like this pregnancy was different than your first.  It's OK to feel like you need to psych yourself up a little bit for this upcoming birth.  It's OK to feel a little disconnected from this being inside of you that you haven't met yet...and once he or she arrives, it's normal to feel pulled and strained and confused on how you're going to love both of your precious children.  But it will all work out just how it's supposed to.  Your love will grow.  Your love will change.  You won't be able to imagine your life without both of your babies.  It may take a day, a week, a month...who knows...but before long you will find that balance and your love will be overflowing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.  1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a