Camden has had a difficult time falling asleep the last couple of nights. Tonight was no different. I sat and rocked him for a long time, but he just wasn't letting go. After a few rounds of snuggling with him in the rocking chair, putting him in his crib awake, letting him try to fall asleep on his own, listening to his cries for "Mama" and going up to rock him again, I would normally get frustrated. The sleep issues have been such a challenge for us since his birth - night waking, night nursing, night terrors, co-sleeping/crib sleeping, difficulty falling asleep on his own etc... But everything has been put into a new perspective for me over the last week or so. Last week I heard the horrible and disturbing news that a woman I know, a young single mom who worked nights in the Dining Hall here on campus while taking classes to become a Dental Hygienist at the Tech and trying to make ends meet while raising her sweet little daughter, had lost her baby. It is every mother's nightmare to lose your child, but this situation is even worse than your worst nightmare. This little girl didn't die in a car accident or as a result of SIDS or something else out of one's control...she was killed. Her Mom had left her with her boyfriend of a few months while she went to work and she never saw her daughter again. The details are still unknown, but she suffered injuries to her skull, had internal bleeding and the boyfriend is charged with second degree murder. I've literally been sick to my stomach for a week. I wake up in the night thinking about this. I wake up in the morning and it's the first thing on my mind. I rock Camden to sleep and pray for this broken family. Today, I attended the burial. I wiped the tears away as they placed the smallest coffin I've ever seen into the ground. I placed a flower on the coffin and watched the mother weep at the grave as the crowd disappeared.
Although I wasn't good friends with this woman, and had never met her little girl in person, I had made a connection with her. She loved seeing Camden and I in the dining hall when we ate dinner down there and we would always chat and share stories about our little ones. She was fascinated by Camden's sign language and I would show her a couple signs so she could teach her little girl. She was proud of her daughter, that was obvious to me, and to think that she will never hold that little baby in her arms again breaks my heart. She died just a week after her first birthday. Watching a young mother lower her baby into the ground was one of the most difficult things I've ever witnessed, and it has given me a new appreciation for all I have.
Camden is at a tough age right now. "No" is his favorite word. If you don't sweep the food away from his place at the very moment he is done it will end up on the floor. There are nights when he still wakes up in the middle of the night and needs to be comforted and he is an early riser and is often up for the day by 5:30 in the morning.
He threw a wooden toy at his friend Jordan's head today because I tried to squeeze in a quick visit with a friend who was walking by when Camden was ready for a nap. He cried through dinner in the dining hall tonight and didn't eat a single bite of his food because he wanted ice cream (a child after my own heart). Obviously these are all areas that we are continually working on with Camden.
Ultimately, we do want him to be able to put himself to sleep and we don't want him throwing toys at his friends when he is 10 years old. BUT, I have a beautiful, healthy child who loves me and Scott more than anything else in the world. He knows he is loved. He knows he is safe. He knows he has a mommy and daddy who love each other and want the best for him. He makes us laugh. He (occasionally) goes pee pee on the potty on his own accord! He loves to sing The Wheels on the Bus. He loves to play Hide and Seek. He loves to snuggle with his Mama and wrestle with his Dada. He amazes us every day with all that he is learning - new words, knowing his letters and colors, piecing together things that we didn't know he understood. He's a miracle. And someday he will sleep through the night. When he's a teenager I'll be wishing more than anything that I could rock him to sleep. Sometimes I think we worry too much about forcing our kids to grow up instead of letting them be babies. This is a season that will pass all too soon, and my favorite part of the day was waking up next to my rosey-cheeked little boy sound asleep in the bed next to me after a long afternoon nap together. He had started in his crib, but woke up and I brought him into bed with me, and I will never regret those moments of waking up next to him, opening my eyes and watching him sleep, realizing how lucky I am to be his mother.
There are so many unanswered questions. Still a pit in my stomach when I think of this little one and her grieving mother. I don't have the answers, but I know that God is here. That he wept today when she was placed into the ground. That there are better things ahead...
"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Revelation 21:3-5
Thanks for listening and go hug your little ones.
