I've done a lot of waiting this year. Waiting for good news. Waiting for answered prayers. Waiting for my belly to grow. Waiting. Trying to be patient and trusting.
I sat by my Dad's bedside as he slowly slipped from this world to the next. For more than a week I watched, and I waited. I waited for him to take his last breath. Every moment wondering if this would be it. Every night when I kissed him on the forehead and told him what an incredible Dad he was to me I wondered if I'd see him again. Every night I fell asleep with my phone next to my bed, waiting for the dreaded phone call that was bound to come. And then one night, about an hour after I had said yet another "final" goodbye to him, the phone did ring. And it was it. The waiting was over. It had actually happened. And I arrived at my parents' house just a couple minutes later and sat with him and loved him and cried.
And now I find myself waiting once again. Though this time I'm not waiting for a
final breath. I'm waiting for a
first breath. A
first cry. I'm waiting for my heart to become whole instead of waiting for it to break.
In just a few short days I'm going to give birth to our precious little girl. Maybe on her due date, March 25th, which would have been my Dad's 59th birthday. And when I'm in those horrible, painful moments of labor, I'm going to remember how brave my Dad was throughout his entire journey, but specifically during those final weeks. I learned, as I held his hand, that dying isn't easy. That it's physically exhausting and draining and challenging and heartbreaking and scary. I learned that going from this life to the next takes courage and, if you believe in heaven and eternity with God, death is, in a way, being born into a new world.
I'm going to take what I learned from my Dad and tackle this labor with the same courage and strength that he showed me at the end of his life. I dread labor. I have had some pretty horrendous experiences in the past and I can already feel the pain of the back labor I've had with both of my previous births just thinking about it. But I'm ready. I'm ready for new life. I'm ready for a little precious person to bring hope and joy and grace to our family. I'm ready. And so I will wait once again, but this time my heavy heart has been replaced with one of hope.
6 comments:
You have faced so much of what this year has brought with courage too Lindsey. We are all behind you. Trust yourself and what you and your little girl need. I pray for a heartwarming labor and birth~ and I can't wait to get the good news. Thanks for being a ray of sunshine in this dark time for all of us!
Oh Linds. Yes, waiting for your heart to be made whole. But as Kelcey said, your heart, while it has taken a beating, has been shown to be incredibly strong in all the right ways. You are a woman of profound grace and courage, and I trust that you will find some deep healing in those early, leaky days where her needs are just so pure and, briefly, able to be met by you.
I feel simultaneously so close to you right now and so far away. I wish I could be there, of course, and I know you know that, and a very deep part of my wished I could be there for all of last year too. But you know what? I got to leave. And sometimes, at the end of one of my visits, I would look at you and wonder how you did it. Day in and day out. You were so present to Dad, and I so grateful to you for it. It will be good, I trust, for you to have this fresh start, and to be so present to another human being whose needs, while pressing, and often made known at high volumes, are much simpler to meet.
As ever, I wait with you. I sleep with my phone by my bed.
I can't imagine the dichotomy of the year, the mix of emotions, the grief and the soon to be abundant joy. This was beautiful. Thanks for posting. And I hope she comes on the 25th--what a tribute that would be. Now I've got to track down my tissues!
such a sweet, touching post. and such a sweet, loving sister you have. so very excited for you in your finaly days of waiting! your daughter will be born with a heart full of empathy i think, being grown in such a mama at such a time. LOVE to you and all your boys.
Made me cry, made me happy. Beautiful words and writing. Can't wait to hear that sweet babe - and you made it through Project Period!
Thank you so much for sharing your deep love and devotion to your Dad, a friend to so many and to me. Your comments brought to surface many memories of loved ones gone home. One in particular was my Dad who was ill for an extended period of time and near the close of his life my wife was due to deliver our son and on that day there was a birth and a death that took place. From sorrow and sadness to joy and gladness. I am coming to realize the heart God has blessed us with has such an immense capacity for emotion, feeling and especially love. Youand your Dad have been such a blessing to me and continue to share It definitely helps. Wayne
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