Tired

It's been a challenging few days in our house and sometimes I just can't even believe how hard parenting is!  Especially parenting a toddler!  Eeek!  I feel so incredibly blessed that I have the opportunity to be a stay at home Mom.  I really honestly am so lucky.  But sometimes at the end of the day I look back and think...gosh...today was a battle and I am exhausted!  I guess no one said parenting is easy.  And the wonderful, rewarding moments always outweigh the moments when I want to cry...but phew, today I am wiped.  I always feel tired and hungry too...and then I remembered today that my body is working like crazy as I am still nursing Micah multiple times a day and night.

In the middle of a rough day with Camden yesterday there was an uncharacteristically quiet moment and I peeked around the corner and he was sitting on the couch by himself reading his little children's Bible.  It was such a good reminder for me to stop and remember to seek God all day, every day.  I've been praying daily that the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control - Galatians 5:22) will be more evident in my life.  Especially in how I raise my children.

I love my boys more than anything else in the entire world and I am SO blessed to be with them during these formative years...even when it's hard. Tonight after they both got out of the tubby they ran around the entire upstairs naked just cracking each other up.  When I put Micah's football jammies on, Camden asked if he could wear his matching pj's so he and Micah could be twins.  They love each other so much and they gave me a little gift there that I will treasure always.  I love my boys.

It Won't Be Like This For Long

This has been a tough week.  After having Scott home for most of vacation, it's been a difficult transition for all of us to watch him go back to work.  And this week is even busier than usual as he's traveling with a group of students and until today had only seen the boys for about an hour since Sunday.  Now I can't really complain, because I know many people whose husbands travel for work for weeks at a time, and I just can't imagine how tough that must be.  But for some reason, this week has just been exhausting.  Camden is two and a half and they don't call it the terrible twos for nothing.  The other day we went over to my sister's for breakfast and by the time we had left to go to her house at 9:00am he'd already had at least three all-out temper tantrums.  Now, not every day is like that...sometimes he can be an angel, but this week I've felt like the frazzled mom who just can't seem to keep up.  I look like a mess (that's pretty normal - I can't blame that completely on the kids...it probably has something to do with the fact that I don't own a hairdryer, the only hairbrush I own lives in a little drawer under the passenger seat in the car, I don't own or even know how to apply makeup and I haven't slept for more than a 2-3 hour stretch in months (almost years)), I am tired and I feel torn in a million directions.

Tonight as I tried to get the boys to bed I just felt so frustrated.  At first with the boys...and then at myself.  Micah was tired and hungry, but I usually try to get Camden to bed first so that I can lie with Micah and nurse him (it just takes longer to get him to sleep and Camden has a hard time giving me the quiet space I would need to successfully get Micah down).  I rushed Camden through the bedtime routine.  He pooped on the potty (every single night he does this!), I helped him brush his teeth, get him in his jammies and we snuggled in to read two books.  Meanwhile, Micah is screaming like crazy in his crib as he waits for me.  I'm trying to rush to read Camden his books (of course he picks two wicked long books so I'm trying to convince him to read different ones and he's getting sad because he doesn't want to) and so I rush through two books, turn off the light and just hold him for a minute or two while I listen to Micah wail in the other room.  After rushing out to get Micah, change him and bring him into bed, I was feeling so sad about how I treated Camden during our bedtime routine.  It's such a special time.  Some day I'm going to miss those snuggles, miss those stories, miss singing him lullabies.  I snuck back in after I got Micah down.  Camden was still awake (he wasn't sad at all, not really in tune to how I was feeling, but just having a hard time falling asleep) and I crawled into his little toddler bed with him and just held him.  I told him I was sorry I didn't spend more time with him and I told him how much I loved him.  Sometimes I feel like I want him to grow up so fast, these toddler days are tough, but when it really comes down to it I love my little boy just the way he is.  I need to make sure I don't let myself get too frazzled, too stressed, too rushed.  I don't want him to remember me that way.  As I held him tonight I kept hearing two country songs in my head.  Darius Rucker's It Won't Be Like This For Long and Billy Dean's Let Them Be Little.  Both these songs are wonderful reminders of just how quickly these days pass.  How important it is to enjoy these moments.
Here are the lyrics:

Let Them Be Little
I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand.
You felt so good in it; no bigger than a minute.
How it amazes me you're changin' with every blink.
Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon.

So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give 'em hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

I never felt so much in one little tender touch.
I live for those kisses, your prayers an' your wishes.
An' now you're teachin' me how only a child can see.
Tonight, while we're on our knees, all I ask is:

Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

The so innocent, precious soul:
You turn around, an' it's time to let them go.

So let them be little,

'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give 'em praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let them sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

It Won't Be Like This For Long:
He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home

This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long

Love Grows

A friend of mine is expecting her second child in just a few short weeks and she asked some of her close friends how they prepared themselves for #2.  The second pregnancy is often so different than the first.  You're often too busy chasing around #1 to notice every little movement or kick of the little one inside of you and without the need to buy all new baby items and a whole new wardrobe (and often without another baby shower to shower you with gifts) it sometimes seems like the birth of this second child can just sneak right up on you.  After hearing her air a few of her concerns and thoughts earlier today, I've been thinking all day about my experience carrying and birthing Micah...and what an emotional ride it was.

I remember feeling so worried that I couldn't possibly love another human being as much as I loved Camden.  The usual response that I heard when I mentioned this fear was, "Your love doesn't have to be divided between the two of them...Your love multiplies and you suddenly have more love to give."  I have to say, that this statement is SO true at this point.  I love both my boys more than words can even describe.  I would give my life for them at any moment if it meant they could live their life to the fullest and find happiness.  It almost hurts inside when I think of the love I have for both Camden and Micah.  But this didn't just magically take place the split second that I pulled Micah up onto my chest in that hospital room.  There were a lot of emotions that brought me to this place and I thought I would share them with others who might be expecting a second child and don't know what to expect!

Throughout my pregnancy, and particularly in my third trimester, I felt like I was cheating on Camden.  How could I possibly love him as much if I was bringing another child into this world?  Would I be able to give him the attention that he needed?  Would I still be able to rock him to sleep at night as I had every other night of his short little life?  Would he know that I loved him even when I was always holding his new little brother?  I would often rock him to sleep during those last few weeks and would feel a sense of loss.  My eyes would brim with tears as I felt his little body drift off to sleep and I wondered if he would still be my little baby when I had another little baby to love as well.  The idea of this second little being entering the world felt a little strange.  Who was this little guy that would turn our world upside down?  We knew we wanted to have another baby, and we wanted them to be about two years apart, so he wasn't a surprise...he was (and IS) a blessing!  But it still felt strange to me.

And then it happened.  My little Micah entered the world.  He was perfect.  Precious in every way.  I literally pulled him out of my body and onto my chest whispering "I love you. I love you. I love you" over and over again.  I wanted him to know he was wanted. I wanted him to know he was loved.  And I wanted to reassure myself that I could love another being as much as I loved my first.

Introducing Camden to Micah in that hospital room was a beautiful moment.  I saw my two boys together for the first time.  Two brothers that would hopefully, one day, consider the other his best friend.  Two brothers that would laugh together.  Cry together.  Beat each other up, but also stand up for the other when he needed someone to.  I'm already seeing this friendship develop.  Camden was the first person to ever make Micah laugh.  He loves him so much and I know Micah will idolize Camden as he continues to get older.

Over the next week or two, my emotions shifted even more.  I don't know if this is normal, if it was the hormones or something else, but I suddenly became very protective of Micah.  He was my baby.  He was helpless and tiny and so new to this big world.  I was fiercely in love with him - more than I could have imagined during my pregnancy.  In some ways I started to feel distant from Camden.  He was trying my patience.  Things that didn't used to bother me were bothering me.  I didn't know how to divide myself between the two of them, when one seemed to need me so much more than the other.  I gave Micah to Scott and read books with Camden.  I put him to bed when I could and we shared those quiet moments together.  But something had changed.  My love had multiplied like everyone told me it would and he suddenly wasn't my only love.  (I do love Scott too...don't get me wrong!   I'm just focusing on my boys here!  Love you, Hubby!)  I was afraid to admit these feelings to anyone.  I didn't want to feel any sort of animosity or frustration towards my firstborn.  But when I shared these feelings with my sister she reassured me that it's totally normal.  In fact, many, many, many new mothers experience that distancing from their firstborn - and everything would find it's balance in the end.  She was SO right.

But it took some time.  And that's what I wanted to share with my friend (you know who you are).  It's OK to feel like this pregnancy was different than your first.  It's OK to feel like you need to psych yourself up a little bit for this upcoming birth.  It's OK to feel a little disconnected from this being inside of you that you haven't met yet...and once he or she arrives, it's normal to feel pulled and strained and confused on how you're going to love both of your precious children.  But it will all work out just how it's supposed to.  Your love will grow.  Your love will change.  You won't be able to imagine your life without both of your babies.  It may take a day, a week, a month...who knows...but before long you will find that balance and your love will be overflowing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.  1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a

Incredible Inventions

There are many things that I am thankful for that make our daily lives so much easier, but I just want to give a quick shout-out to two of the most wonderful inventions in the world!

1)  FREE SHIPPING!  What a wonderful and amazing idea!  Living in a rural area makes running errands really difficult...especially with two little kids.  I'll often plan my whole day around a couple errands that I need to run because between the 30+ minute drive to get anywhere, naptimes, cranky kids, meals etc...it can make shopping difficult and no fun!  For example, I just had to make a "quick trip" over to the Tilton outlets to get something the other day.  I drove for over thirty minutes on backroads with both kids.  By the time I got there, Micah was screaming.  I dragged his carseat into the store and immediately took him out to hold him and try and get him to stop crying.  Meanwhile, Camden ran like a terror around the store, hiding, pulling things off shelves and just being a hyper toddler.  At one point I had to lay Micah down on the dirty floor to clean up 30 Christmas cards that Camden had just dumped onto the floor.  
Juggling kids is tough, especially when they are both hyper/cranky and, needless to say, I couldn't think straight and was so anxious to get out of there that I bought $40 worth of ugly Christmas cards that I ended up returning a week later, just because I didn't want that entire trip to be in vain.  Ugh.  Anyways, living far from stores with kids makes shopping more of a hassle than an enjoyment so I have to say...free shipping is incredible.  I order most of my baby items from diapers.com - they are amazing and I get free two-day shipping!  Love it!  I also just ordered Camden's few Christmas presents on Amazon from the comfort of my own living room!  Amazing!  Maybe I'll just turn into a total hermit and never leave my house again!  :)  Oh, and did you know there's something called Free Shipping Day coming up on the 17th...oh no...that's TODAY!!!  Check out this link to see all 1,759 stores and companies that are participating!  I can't buy anything because we're trying to save money these days now that we're homeowners, but YOU should go buy something and enjoy free shipping! 

2) The second incredible invention is the shopping carts that have little cars for kids to ride in at the grocery store.  Now, I have no idea why, but I didn't give these carts a try until last week.  Oh man...I have been missing out.  I'm not sure why I didn't use them before - did I think they were too germy?  Did I think I had it all together and didn't need them?  Was I too good for the race car cart?  I have no idea what my thinking was, but if any of you have ever seen me trying to grocery shop with both Camden and Micah, you know I don't have it all together.  Camden generally races up and down the isles as fast as he can, occasionally pulling items off the shelf to show me.  I used to dread having to go shopping with both of them (then there was that time I got them both all loaded up, drove the 15 minutes to the store in the pouring rain and after pulling into the parking lot realized I didn't have my wallet...UGH!  THAT was bad!), but these last two times I've gone Camden has ridden in these cool carts and has stayed totally content the entire time!  He LOVES it.  I ask him to help me steer and he uses the little steering wheel - it really is probably the greatest invention of all time (well, almost...I guess there have been a few others that have been more lifechanging...). 

Anyways, free shipping and race car carts are wonderful.  I'm a happy mommy!