Father's Day

I've been kind of dreading this weekend for a while now.  Although Sunday is surrounded on one side by my birthday and on the other side our wedding anniversary, I just knew it would be a difficult time for me.  This is my first Father's Day without my Dad.  As if I already didn't remember him and wish him back enough already, I am completely surrounded on all sides by reminders of him.  Scott and I went out for a date night tonight and we had a blast together.  Sadie came along for the ride and was perfectly well behaved so we could enjoy some adult discussion and just be together. 
On the way home, we got to talking about my Dad and as we drove straight into the setting sun we were both blinded by tears.  It still feels so fresh to me.  Those final two weeks of his life are like an open wound that I'm hoping will heal with time. Sitting by his bedside watching him struggle for each breath will forever be a memory that I can't escape from.  I try to remember the good.  I try to dwell on his laughter, his unbelievable faith in me and support of me.  I try to focus on what our life was like before March of 2012 when he got sick, but I can't seem to escape this last year and the pain and sadness and confusion and hardship that came with it. 

This year for Christmas I made my Dad a photo book of our life together.  It started with pictures of him holding me as an infant, smiling with me through the years and ending with some photos of me crouching next to his wheelchair putting the best smile I could on my face despite the pain.  In the very back of the book I wrote a letter to my Dad.  It was a letter that summed up everything I had been wanting to say, but couldn't find the words for.  I gave my Dad this gift that I had poured hours of my life and many tears into in a quiet moment when we were home alone together - just a few days before Christmas.  We flipped through the book together, looking at all the photos of us and our family throughout the years and then I read my letter out loud to him.  We both had tears in our eyes by the time I looked up from reading it and he gave me a huge hug and expressed how proud he was of me.  I will treasure that moment forever. 

I read this same letter at his memorial service, and I'm sharing it here - to help me remember my Dad on this Father's Day, and every day.  He was a good, good man and a really amazing father.  I know I'm blessed to have had him in my life for 30 years and know that I will see him again some day.  I love you, Daddy. 

Dear Daddy,
Merry Christmas!  I know that these words are not even going to begin to express to you exactly how much you mean to me, but I'm going to try to articulate it anyways. 

I want to start by saying thank you.  Thank you for being an incredible husband to Mom, a steadfast and loving father to Caren and me and a committed and involved Bepa to my children.  I have a lifetime of memories that all include you - your laughter, your encouragement, your wisdom, your kindness, your support.   You have helped make this life of mine an amazing one and for that I am forever grateful. 
 

I have so many happy memories from my childhood.  I remember sitting on your lap and reading Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose and countless Berenstain Bears books with you.  I remember moving all the furniture in the living room and wrestling with you on the floor until I was giggling so hard we had to stop to catch our breath.  I remember learning to ride my banana seat bike and you being right at my side as you let go of the seat, cheering for me all the way.  I remember driving around the back roads of New Hampshire, trying to see if there was any part of this area you didn't know like the back of your hand.  We would listen to Oldies 99.1 on the radio and drive and drive just for the fun of it. 

I remember the distinct smell of ink and the loud roar of the machines when I'd come visit you at the Country Press and how much I loved playing in the special little revolving doors that brought you into the dark rooms.  I will always remember your love of Christmas and how excited you were to sneak around picking out special gifts for each of us. I loved when you would wrap the tiniest little gift inside three different boxes within each other just to see the confusion and joy on our faces when we opened it.  One of my favorite memories is being woken up early before school.  You would whisper to me that the perfect amount of fresh snow had fallen the night before and that it was a perfect day to hit the slopes.  You would call into work and call into my school and arrange for us to spend a day together.  I loved to ski, but that wasn't really the point.  It was the opportunity to spend a day with you, doing something together that we both enjoyed.  Thank you for teaching me to love the snow, and the outdoors and that skipping school on occasion was good for the soul! I could go on and on with specific memories, but mostly I remember you being present.  You were always there for my birthday parties and family dinners around the kitchen table.  You were at my school plays and chorus concerts and athletic events.  You knew all of my friends and they all loved you.  You made me feel special and important and like I could do anything.  Thank you for that.  Thank you for giving me confidence in who I am and who God created me to be.  

I love how you always tried to embarrass me when I was younger (actually, you still have a knack for this!).  Whether it was singing loudly as we walked through the mall together or wearing a funny outfit that I typically would have been horrified to be seen with - I somehow was never embarrassed by you.  I think it's because everyone, and I mean every single person you've ever met, loved you so much.  You made people laugh and made them feel special and because of that all my friends thought you were the best Dad ever.  I was so proud to be seen with you.  I loved that my friends knew you were on campus in college because we could hear your laughter long before we could actually see you.  You were everyone's favorite, and because of that I thought you could do no wrong. 
I'm not sure I can ever really thank you enough for sharing your love of soccer with me.  Playing soccer truly helped shape me into who I am today and it means so much to me that we have shared this passion over the years.  Thank you for the countless hours you spent kicking around with me, letting me shoot on you or going over to the kick board at Proctor.  Thank you for driving thousands of miles throughout my career to bring me to club practices and tryouts and for coming to nearly every game I've ever played.  Your presence on the sideline pushed me to want to be better.  If you were running late for some reason I would feel distracted until I could hear your voice cheering for me, pushing me to work harder and play smarter.  As soon as I knew you were there I would suddenly turn my game up a notch, always striving to make you proud.  I love the legacy that you left at both Kearsarge and Gordon and that I was able to follow in your footsteps at both schools.  I was proud to be a Benson and proud to play on the same fields you played on.  Thank you for being an incredible coach - both formally in high school and informally throughout my career.  Your confidence and faith in me helped me to accomplish things I don't think I ever thought possible. 

I heard a quote somewhere that said the greatest thing a father can do for his children is love their mother.  This is truly one of the greatest gifts you could have ever given me.  I always knew that you and Mom were in love.  I knew that little disagreements wouldn't ruin your marriage.  I never had to worry throughout middle school or high school about what would happen if you separated, who I would live with, or how it would change my life.  I knew that you were together forever.  I knew you had made a commitment to each other and that you would stand by that for the rest of your life.  Thank you so, so much for the dedication and love you've shown Mom throughout all these years (and Mom, your care for Dad these last nine months nearly brings me to tears when I think of the love and commitment you are showing to him.  Thank you).  Providing us with a stable home was the most precious gift you could have given to Caren and me and I will always be thankful for it.  Without ever having to use words, you showed me what it means to be a good husband and a good father.  You helped me to understand what it was I should be looking for in a spouse, and I'm so blessed to say that I found someone to spend my life with who is as committed and loving and caring as you have always been to Mom.  Thank you for showing me what I deserved and for setting such a high standard for me to follow in my own life. 

Lastly, and probably most importantly, thank you for showing me how to love God, serve God and follow God.  Your faith is one of the things I most admire about you. 

It is so real.  You have taught me that it's good to wrestle with questions, to dig deeper, to own my faith.  You have shown me what it means to love others unconditionally, to accept people for who they are.  The way you welcome people into your home has always amazed me.  You make people feel at home and you shower them with kindness and generosity.  You share your belongings and your money with others even when you have so little for yourself.  I have always admired you and Mom for your hospitality and for living the life that Jesus calls us all to live.  Thank you for showing me what being a Christian really means and for helping me become a person who is continually striving to love God and love others more and more each day. 

Dad, you have always been my biggest fan, my greatest supporter and the person that I most look up to in this world, and watching you endure all that you have these last nine months has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry and other times I want to scream at God and beg him to work a miracle.  But, you have been so steady throughout this entire journey.  You have shown me how to be brave, even when you're afraid.  You've shown me how to have faith, even in the darkest of times.  You've shown me how to lift others up, even when the world seems to be crashing around you.  You've shown me how to trust, even when life seems hopeless. 

You've shown me how to smile, even when that might be the last thing you want to do.  You are the bravest, strongest, kindest man I know, and I am so, so proud to be your daughter.  Throughout this difficult time, I am continually reminded how blessed I really am.  I'm blessed to have had an incredibly solid relationship with you for over 30 years now.  Some people never know the love of an earthly father, but I do, and I have never taken that for granted.  I'm blessed that you have been such a strong presence in my life, not just as a child or a teenager, but as an adult as well.  Watching you love on my children brings me the greatest joy.  Thank you for making them laugh, for reading them books, for allowing them to be a part of your life, even when the noise and the chaos was sometimes difficult for you to handle in recent months.  They love their Bepa.  They pray for you every night and Camden flips his pillow over to the cold side "just like Bepa" before falling asleep.  I'm so blessed that you got to watch me grow up and see me get married to a wonderful man,  that you have been able to know and love my children, and see our run down house become a beautiful home. 

No matter what happens in the future.  No matter how many weeks or months or years you are in my life, know that I consider myself blessed because of your unyielding presence in my life.  You mean the world to me and I love you with all that I am. 
Love always,
Lindsey (LB)

Happy Father's Day, Dad!