joy amidst the sadness

The thing about grieving is that the world around you just keeps moving on.  When your world seems like it's come to a complete stop, or at least you feel like it should, there are still kids to take care of, laundry to fold, snow to shovel, appointments to go to and the list goes on and on...  Here is a little peek into some of the "normalcy" that we're trying maintain around here...

The meadow below our house was completely frozen over and the boys had a blast playing on the ice...
 Buddies...

  You can see our little row of three houses on our street in the background.  I love this place that we call home!

We took a fun family adventure to the See Science Center in Manchester and the boys had a blast...

 The awesome Lego replica of Manchester back in the day...

My 33 week belly (3 weeks ago)!

Now that I'm not spending every waking minute with my Dad, I'm trying to turn my attention and love to little Baby Goose.  Here's her crib that she'll probably never sleep in if she's anything like her brothers who just want to be next to Mama...

We had a huge snow storm the weekend right before my Dad's service...and he LOVED snow, so we got outside and enjoyed it!  We went for a walk into town together for donuts at the start of the storm...

 This is what we woke up to the next morning...

We celebrated Camden's half birthday!  Have I really been a Mom for 4.5 years?!?!  Crazy.

Camden wanted to dress like Daddy for church last week...My Carhartt boys!

Grieving, laughter, family, sadness, joy, adventure...all part of our day to day life right now. 

Grief

As most of you know, I lost my Dad on Thursday night, January 31, 2013.  I've been taking a little hiatus from the blog.  I mean, how do you address something as major as this loss has been for me in a blog post?  And yet, it wouldn't be right to just carry on with my usual happy posts without even acknowledging the pain I am experiencing.  So here is my attempt to share just a piece of this journey with you...

I have always been a Daddy's girl.  Not in the way that might first come to mind when you hear that phrase.  He certainly didn't spoil me rotten or buy me anything I wanted.  I grew up in a family that believed in living a very simple lifestyle without a lot of frills or extras and that was fine by me.  No, I was a Daddy's girl in that he really could almost do no wrong in my mind.  We were very close throughout my entire childhood and into my adult life.  I loved to spend time with him, I was never embarrassed by him, and much to my mother's dismay it seemed like I always took his side in any disagreement within our home.  Trying to come to grips with the fact that he's actually gone has been very difficult.  In a way it all seems incredibly surreal...like it's just a dream that I'll eventually wake up from.  I'm not sure the reality of what has really happened has sunk in yet and I'm not sure if or when it ever will.

A part of me had been grieving for the last 10+ months of his life.  Watching him endure all he did was incredibly painful - trips to the ER last March following days of being unable to move at home and leaving undiagnosed, until they finally did a CT scan a week later and discovered a tumor that had completely eaten away one of his vertebrae in his back causing his spine to collapse...standing with him as he came out of anesthesia many, many times over the course of these months...being the only person in the hospital room with him last March when the spine surgeon came in and discovered that he was paralyzed from a hematoma that was pressing against his spine as a result of too much blood thinner given to him in the hospital following his major surgery and seeing him rushed off to the operating table once again...watching him work SO hard at Health South for six weeks as an inpatient and another number of months as an outpatient trying to regain strength with the hope that one day he would walk again - only to be told months later that actually the cancer on his femur and pelvis would never allow him to walk again and to immediately stop all the work he had been focused on for months...

holding his legs as my mom worked the lift to carry him from his bed to the living room chair - the two places he alternated between for the last 3-4 months of his life...so many trips to the hospital for radiation, blood transfusions, operations, all of which required transportation in an ambulance...sitting by his bedside keeping vigil during those final two weeks when his health plummeted so fast.  Waiting and watching for that last breath.  Telling him time after time of my love for him, that we would be OK without him whenever he was ready to let go, that he was such an incredible father, husband and grandfather, that I wouldn't be who I am today without him, that I was proud of him and proud to be his daughter.

I've been grieving.  I've been grieving for 11 months now.  And I know there is more to come.  I'll grieve the first time I step on the soccer field this summer and the realization that he won't ever see me play again hits like a truck.  I'll grieve the next time I make cheesecake and he won't be there to share our favorite dessert together.  I'll grieve when I welcome my daughter into this world in March (potentially on his birthday which is her due date) and he won't be there to proudly hold her in his loving arms.  I think I'll carry grief with me in some form or another for the rest of my life, but I know, I know, that he's not suffering anymore.  I know he's in a place where there are no more tears, no more pain.  I'm thankful that there is hope and life after death - but it still hurts.  And I still miss him.  And I think I always will.

 I love you, Daddy.

Our Busy Monday

We had a big day today.  After a horrible night of sleep (thanks to Micah who decided he wasn't tired and wanted to be wide awake from 2:00 - 5:00am - ugh!) we took off on an adventure to the Upper Valley.  Our first stop was at the hospital to visit my parents.  My Dad had some appointments on Friday and they ended up admitting him for the weekend.  They finally came home this afternoon, but the boys had missed them and we wanted to make sure we visited my Dad up there in case he had to stay even longer.  The boys enjoyed getting muffins with Ami, watching a hot air balloon land nearby out the large hospital windows (who rides in a hot air balloon in 15 degree weather?!?!  Craziness.), and chatting with Bepa and sharing the cards that they made for him that morning. It's always a fun adventure visiting the hospital, but we're so glad they're back home in their own beds tonight!

"Bepa 

I love you  

I miss you

Hi Ami

<3 Camden"

After leaving the hospital we headed over to the Montshire Museum.  The boys love this little science museum and because we have a pass (thanks Nan and Pop!) it's great to just go for an hour and not feel like we have to spend the whole day there.  It turned out to be packed because so many kids were off of school for MLK day, and I felt like I was waddling around trying to keep up with the boys the whole time, but they had a great time and I know it's so good for them to explore and learn new things and play in new environments.  Just not sure how much longer in this pregnancy I'm going to have the energy to go on adventures like this without Scott's help!

After leaving the Montshire, we stopped in Hanover at Ramunto's for some slices of pizza.  Micah fell out of his chair and face planted on the ground and spilled his pizza all over the floor.  The poor little guy was already so over tired, so rather than picking up the food immediately (there was no one else in our section) I just tried to calm him down.  A couple minutes later this nice man came over with a couple of napkins and a paper plate and picked up our mess for us.  He was just a regular customer who saw what happened and wanted to help.  I probably looked like an absolute mess - hugely pregnant with a screaming toddler on my lap and another child talking my ear off...but he was so kind and just picked it all up for me before heading out the door and carrying on with his day.  Little things like this restore my faith in the world.  There really are so many good, nice, thoughtful people out there.  Sometimes it's hard to remember when there is so much pain and violence and evil on the news, but I like to remember the little things and be extra thankful to people who do small things to make someone else's life easier. 
The boys fell asleep on the way home.  Another successful adventure under our belts.  How am I ever going to do this with three kids in tow?  Oh man...

A Sleigh Ride to Remember

We shared a little Christmas adventure and went on a family sleigh ride just up the road from our house!  It was so much fun to snuggle in tight with our little family, Caren, Dave, Clara and my Mom.  There were moments when we feared for our life (my poor mother was a little nervous) as we went up hills and down hills through the woods in an old, creaking sleigh pulled by two horses, but overall we enjoyed the ride and had fun singing Jingle Bells with the kids.  It certainly was an adventure and one we won't soon forget. 

 Eeeeek!!!

"Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling too. Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you."

Christmas Craftiness

So I know most people are out of the Christmas spirit and focusing on the new year, but I wanted to show off some of the Christmas craftiness that we tackled this year!

Camden had an amazing craft day at school that parents were invited to.  We made ginger bread houses, decorated an ornament, strung cranberries, made a bracelet for Clara for Christmas and lots of other creative and fun crafts that we were able to bring home.  Camden and I had a great time together and we had no shortage of pre-school aged Christmas decorations around the house!
Check out this focus!

 Pretty cute and happy kiddos...

 Showing off his cranberries...  :)

 Bracelet materials for Clara...

 A snowman...can you tell?

 We had a wonderful special morning with our dear family friend (Kathy went to college with my parents and I've known her my entire life...and NOW her daughter is married to my cousin!  So we're family friends AND relatives!).  Kathy came over and helped us make some adorable Christmas gifts for the grandparents.  Camden had a blast - Micah was sick and didn't want to participate.  :(

 Such concentration...

 The pretty ornament that Camden decorated at school with two hard workers in the background!

 One of the finished products! 

 Oh, and what would Christmas week be without monkey bread?!?!

  The boys had a great time decorating cupcakes for Jesus' birthday!

 Clara came over for Jesus' birthday party!

 We also had fun making a paper Christmas chain and some beautiful paper snowflakes, but I didn't take pictures of those things, unfortunately.  I'm not generally a very crafty person, so it's fun to have days at pre-school and crafty friends offer to do stuff with me and my kids.  I always have a blast, and hope to do more things like this throughout the year.